A wonderful story from a broadside (early version of a newspaper) from 1828, about a man who was auctioning off his drunken wife at the Grassmarket in Edinburgh. Details of the extraordinary auction are held by the National Library of Scotland in its vast collection of broadsides, single newsheets which were distributed or pinned up around towns and cities. These were the tabloids of the time.

Mary Mackintosh was brought to the Grassmarket by her husband, Thomas M.Guisgan, who held her by a straw rope tied around her middle with the words “to be sold by public auction” pinned on her bosom. She was accused of being a notorious drunk and an adulterer but when the sale got underway on July 17 1828, a “bloody battle” broke out with punches thrown and people whacked with stones wrapped in stockings.

It had started out civil enough. Several thousand spectators had assembled to witness this novel sale, held around 6pm, with the auctioneer, described as a “knight of the hammer”, wrestling for attention above the rowdy crowd. According to a report of the day, quietness fell as people started to note the “countenance of the woman”.

Stepping through the crowd, a man pulled his wallet and said: “She be a good like lassie, l will gi’e ten and twenty shillings for her.” The crowd cheered at the offer but it was not long before “a stout tinker” made a bolt to the front of the crowd to say she should never go to the Highlands before offering a six pence. The clamour of the crowd heightened further. The next bid was quick to follow and came from a “Killarney Pig Jobber” whose “mouth open as wide as a turnpike gate”. Half drunk, he offered two shillings more, given she was a “pratty” – or mischievous – woman. It was at this stage that the atmosphere started to tilt. A brogue maker emerged from a public house “as drunk as 50 cats in a wallet – and hit the Killarney man, leaving him knocked out on the ground for a good 10 minutes. Mary Mackintosh is said to have “laughed heartily” at the punch with the cheers of the crowd now “long and incessant”. But the scene rapidly deteriorated as bare knuckle violence broke out, much of it executed by women armed with stones. First, however, the Brogue maker walked up to the auctioneer. A report of the day said:
“He was so enraged, he knocked the auctioneer down, and made his claret flow desperately.”

The women of the neighbourhood gathered to the number of 700, and armed themselves with stones, some threw them, and others put them in their stockings and handkerchiefs, and made a general charge through the mob, knocking every one down that came in their way, until they got up to the auctioneer, when they scratched and tore his face in a dreadful manner, in consequence of the insult the fair sex had received. One woman, described as a “true female hero” and the wife of a sweep, pelted Mr Guisgan, the man who had tried to sell his wife, before decrying him as a “contaminated villain”. Mr Guisgan hit her back between her eyes, leaving them like “two October cabbages.” The report added: “A general battle ensued, and only for the interference of the police, there would have been lives lost.”

After the disturbance was quelled, the husband continued to insist she should be sold. According to report, she was brought up again before the crowd and an elderly Jack Tar – a term used for seamen of the Merchant or Royal Navy, stepped forward. He described Mary Mackintosh as “well rigged” before offering half a Crown more than the last bidder. But he was to be outbid by a farmer, described as a widower, who pledged two pounds and five shillings for Mrs Mackintosh. The sale was agreed. The report concluded: “The farmer took her up behind him on his horse, and away they went amidst the cheers of the populace.”

Full Transcript of Original Article

Transcription
SALE OF A WIFE.

A full and particular Account of the Sale of a Woman, named Mary Mackintosh, which look place on Wednesday Evening, the 16th of July, 1828, in the Grass Market ‘of Edinburgh, accused by her Husband of being a notorious Drunkard; with the Particulars of the bloody
Battle which took place afterwards.

ON Wednesday evening last, in the Grass-market, Mary Mackintosh was brought down about six o’clock by her husband, for the purpose of being sold. Her crime was drunkenness and adultery. She was held by a straw rope tied round her middle, and the words, ” To be sold by public auction” in front of her bosom. Several thousand spectators were assembled to witness this novel occurrence. John F——n, pensioner, and knight of the hammer, commenced business, but the acclamations of the people were so great, that no one could get a hearing for ten minutes, to bid for the unfortunate Woman;

When, the crowd got a little quiet the people began to examine the countenance of the woman ; a Highland Drover stepped through the crowd, and pulled out his purse, and Said, ” She be a good like lassie,’l will gi’e ten and twenty shillings for her.” This caused great cheering among the
crowd? then a stout Tinker made a bolt into the crowd, and said she should never go to the Highlands?he then bid sixpence more for her. At this time, one of the KlLLARNEY PIG JOBBERS, with his mouth open as wide as a turnpike gate, and half drunk, eried loudly, FAUGHAHOLLICE , I will
give two shillings more, for she is a pratty woman. A Brogue maker, from Newry, coining out of a public house; as drunk as 5O cats in a wallet, came up to the Killarney man, and hits him in the bread bag, and he lay there for the space of ten minutes, which made the woman for sale, laugh
heartily, and the cheers of the crowd at this time was long and incessant.?
The Brogue-maker being a supposed friend to the woman, went up to the auctioneer,and told him there were three bidders: he was so enraged, he knocked the auctioneer down, and made his claret flow desperately. Great cheering among the people, at the expense of the knight of the hammer.?
The women of the neighbourhood gathered to the number of 700, and armed themselves with stones, some threw them, and others put them in their stockings and handkerchiefs, and made a general charge through the mob, knocking every one down that came in their way, until they got up to the
auctioneer, when they scratched and tore his face in a dreadful manner, in consequence of the insult the fair sex had received. One resolute woman came up with a stone and knocked down Thomas M.Guisgan, husband to the woman who was exposed for sale. This woman, a true female hero,
and a SWEEP’S WIFE, displayed great courage in favour of her sex, and said I will learn you to auction your wife again, you contaminated villain Tom returned the blow, and hit her between the eyes, and made them like two October cabbages. The sweep seeing his wife struck, made a sally with his bag and scrapper ; the women all took the sweep’s part, and cried with a loud voice, mill him the old boar, a general battle ensued, and only for the interference of the police, there would have been lives lost. Alter the disturbance was quelled, the husband insisted she should be sold. She was brought up again, and the auctioneer declared that if he could not be protected, be would have no more call to her. Some young fellows shouted he should, and the sale began again. An old pensioner, a Jack tar, stepped forward, saying, damn my tarry top-lights and chain plates she is a tight little frigate, and well rigged too, and I will give half a crown more than the last bidder. Well done, cried the mob to the sallor, you are a spirited fel-
low, and you must get her; when a farmer, who was a widower, bade two pound five shillings for her, he being a friend to the sex, and the auctioncer knocked her down. The farmer took her up behind him on his horse, and away they went amidst the cheers of the populace.

W. BOAG, PRINTER, NEWCASTLE.

Click to see at full size

The post The Auction of one Drunken Wife in the Grassmarket, Edinburgh appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Darren Walsh, winner with his joke about German names on his phone

For the past few years the TV channel ‘Dave’ has put a selection of jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe to a vote to find out which one’s the best. Here are the top 10 “funniest”:

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It’s Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn’t go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd’s delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They’re always telling me to live my dreams. But I don’t want to be naked in an exam I haven’t revised for.

A shortlist of jokes was selected by a panel of judges who saw an average of 60 shows each this year, and then they were put to a vote.

This year’s winner, Darren Walsh, whose show ‘Punderbolt’ is on at the Pleasance, said of winning the award, “What a punderful feeling.”

Tenth place, Grace the Child, is the youngest comedian to make the shortlist at just 12 years old.

What do you think about the top 10? Are there any jokes from this year’s festival that you feel should have topped this list?

The post Top 10 Funniest Jokes at the Edinburgh Fringe appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

oops

A newly erected sign (sorry for this awful pun) had the Gaelic community in stitches today.  A Gaelic spelling error means the first thing visitors to the isle of Bute see is a big sign saying, ‘Welcome to Penis Island’.
For the record, Bute, in the Firth of Clyde, is not known for the number or size of the penises to be found there.
A missing accent on the sign changed Bhòid meaning Bute to “Bod” – Gaelic for penis.

Facebook user Coinneach Combe wrote: ‘What a mess. They had one job..’
Isle of Bute Councillor Len Scouller said, ‘It makes us look bloody stupid.
‘I’m not a Gaelic speaker but I would apologise to people who are Gaelic speakers and we will rectify it right away.
‘It’s beside the pier, it’s where people are walking off the ferry. It’s welcoming people to the island.
‘I’m sure it’s the big sign the council put up many, many years ago. It would probably be about 9 years ago, the exact day I don’t remember.

Wonder if they’ll keep it?

The post Unfortunate Spelling error, reads ‘Welcome to Penis Island’ in Gaelic appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

10. A lovely drive in the Scottish Highlands?

Not a lovely drive in the Scottish Highlands

Where this is …. Ladybower Reservoir from Bamford Edge,Derbyshire, ENGLAND (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ladybower_Reservoir)

The Real One in England

Notice the real photo has been manipulated to make the gentle hills look more like mountains.

9. An Old Settlement in the Scottish Highlands?

Not Scottish Castles

Pena National Palace

Where this is … Little Castle in The Lakes at Pena Gardens, Pena Palace, Sintra, Lisbon, PORTUGAL.  They are in the gardens and are only tiny.

Not surprising this one gets shared all the time as if you do a google images search for ‘Scottish Castle’ it’s right there on the first page.

Not surprising this one gets shared all the time as if you do a google images search for ‘Scottish Castle’ it’s right there on the first page.

8. Purple Forest, Scotland?

Purple Forest, Scotland?

Purple Forest, Scotland?

Where this is …. Jacaranda Tree Tunnel, Sydney, Australia

7. Romantic Scottish Bridge?

Not a romantic bridge in Scotland

Where this is …. Tzielefos Bridge, Cyprus.
Tzielefos Bridge is one of the medieval bridges situated between Elia and Roudia bridges. The path towards the particular bridge goes towards a dense pine forest, over Arminou dam, past Pera Vasa picnic site (a huge dry tree trunk of the Pera Vasa pine exhibited here), and continues through “Saouris” farm belonging to Kykkos monastery, past the Cave of Saouris, “Mita’s pen and near the vultures” observation point.

6. Winding Rocks in The Scottish Highlands?

Not Winding Rocks in The Scottish Highlands

where this is ….

Winding Rocks – Spain

Barrica, SPAIN

5. Fairy pools, Skye?

Fairy Pools, Skye?

where this is ….

Shotover River in New Zealand

Shotover River in New Zealand, where the vegetation is a normal shade of green. The vivid purple color is photoshopped.

4. Kilchurn Castle?

Not Kilchurn Castle

The real Kilchurn Castle …

Kilchurn Castle

3. Gerard Butler being all Scottish?

Gerard Butler The Highlander?

what this really is …

Not Gerard Butler

2. Definitive proof of the existence of the Loch Ness Monster?

Loch Ness Monster?

what this really is …

Not much of a monster!

fibreglass hump used in a National Geographic film

A Scottish skipper Nessie Hunter IV, George Edwards finally made the limelight after producing an image of a mysterious dark hump moving in the water towards Urquhart Castle. The picture quickly went viral and presumably Edwards, who insisted: “I’m convinced I was seeing Nessie as I believe in these creatures,” got a lot more customers wanting to visit the loch.
George later revealed it was all a big hoax – and what he’d actually photographed was a fibreglass hump that can be seen in 2011′s National Geographic film The Truth Behind The Loch Ness Monster.

“Why should I feel guilty for having a bit of fun?” the indignant 61-year-old said.

“Where would Loch Ness be without the world’s best known forgery? These so-called experts come along with their theories about big waves and big fish, and their visitor centre, but I’m sick to death of them.

1.5 Glencoe / Skye

Seen this labelled as both Glencoe and Isle of Skye but this is a composite image.  A cut out bridge  over a reversed image of the mountain range at Glencoe then heavily manipulated. The cutout bridge is a free stock image, download it and have your own Ye Olde Bridge (http://oilusionista-stock.deviantart.com/art/Cutout-Old-Bridge-275093367)

A bridge to no where

Ye Olde Bridge gets in the way a bit at The ScotClans Office

1.75 Hermitage Bridge

We often see this picture shared in out Facebook group, labelled Hermitage Bridge:

Not Hermitage Bridge, Scotland

Where this really is: The Gorge De L’areuse in Switzerland

This is the real Hermitage Bridge in Scotland:

The real Hermitage Bridge in Scotland

1.8 Abandoned Scottish Village

Where this really is:
Movie set in Germany. (Hansel & Gretal).

1.81

Cairngorms really?

Where this really is: this is The Dalsnibba Mountains in Norway. See: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dalsnibba.
Cairngorms look like this.

1.Wild haggis (Haggis scoticus)?

Wild haggis (Haggis scoticus)

What this really is …

The post Top 10 Fake Scottish Photos that went viral appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Unpopular Commonwealth Tartan

Scotland’s uniform of for the Commonwealth Games was widely ridiculed. There was even a petition set up which gained hundreds of signatures calling for it to be replaced. The press called it ‘shocking’ lurid tartan.

#2 Oh those poor Currie Brothers

The Currie Brothers are a popular vocal and multi-instrumental group based in Milngavie, Glasgow, Scotland. They just had quite a fantastic album cover.

#3 Tartan Families

Can usually be found lurking around the house at Christmas time.

#4 That Tartan Onesie

Worn by one of Union J

#5 Tartan Ga Ga

Speaks for itself

#6 Tartan Tastic Interiors

There is a line one should not cross

#7 Tartan in the 60s

What’s with the rabbit?

#7 Tartan Pants

#8 Tartan Pets

#9 Elton John

#10 Bay City Rollers

and one for luck…

The post Top 10 Tartan Fails appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Jane Swadel (above) features heavily in the book. Picture: Alan Richardson

Police mugshots of Dundee’s heaviest 20th century drinkers are set to go under the hammer next week. Published in 1905, the book depicts dozens of citizens who were banned from the city’s bars after flouting the era’s strict public drinking laws.

Anyone convicted under the Inebriates Act of 1898 three times in the space of 12 months faced being added to the book and having their picture and description circulated around the city’s bars.

Those pictured could then be fined up to 40 shillings if they tried to buy alcohol again – and landlords could be fined up to £20 for serving those depicted.

Each page describes one offender – with names, addresses, places of employment, a description and space for “peculiarities and marks” to be noted. It was signed by the constable in charge.

Jane Swaddel, aka Jane Williamson, a factory worker, was the oldest person listed, aged 63. It was noted that she “wants teeth in the upper jaw”. She was included after being convicted under the Licensing (Scotland) Act on 15 March 1905.

John Boyd, 46, of Commercial Street, Dundee, found himself listed after being “found in a state of intoxication and incapable of taking care of himself, and not under the care of a suitable person”. He was convicted at the Police Court in Dundee.

He was described as of “proportionate” build with “fresh” complexion. But officers noted under “peculiarities” that his left eye was “awanting”.

Dundee auction firm Curr and Dewar, which is selling the book next Tuesday, said it was being put under the hammer by a former landlord who ran a pub on the site of the current Bissell’s Bar on Dundee’s Polepark Road.

Steven Dewar, of Curr and Dewar, said: “I’ve never seen anything quite like it. It’s quite fascinating really – a real snapshot of the time it comes from. It was very much a recognised thing at the time, but I suppose it’s the kind of thing you wouldn’t be allowed to do now in case it contravened someone’s privacy.

“It covers a big age range – from 16 to 63 – and surprisingly is mostly females. These are all hard-working people living at a hard time – jute mill workers and factory workers.

“We’ve only valued it at £50 to £100 but that’s just because we’ve no idea what it will be worth to someone.”

The post Historic Dundee Drinkers to go Under Hammer appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Scotland’s original strongman, Donald Dinnie (1837–1916).

Organisers of the Aboyne Highland Games have issued a plea for help tracking down an elusive Highland Games competitor. The strongman is one of the only known people in the world to complete a historic Highland Games event, described by some as the ‘holy grail’ of weightlifting.

Slovakian muscleman Peter Puszer, a competitive weightlifter who also holds the title of the strongest man in Slovakia, was last known to be working in an Aberdeen hotel kitchen. The 5ft 7ins, 300lbs champion is one of the only people in the world to have successfully completed the Dinnie Stones challenge at last years Scottish Stones of Strength World Challenge. Organisers of the games have since been unable to track him down.

The Dinnie Stones, or Stanes, are named after Donald Dinnie, who is said to be one of the world’s greatest strongmen with 20 Highland Games championships to his name. He was a founding member of the Aboyne Games in 1867 and is famed for carrying the stones more than four metres over Potarch Bridge near Aboyne. Dinnie has been recognised as the 19th century’s greatest athlete with a career spanning over 50 years.

Games chairman Ian Scott said: “We know that Peter Puszer has been successful in carrying the stones unassisted in the past and we would like to invite him to do the same again at the Aboyne Highland Games this year to see if he is still up to the challenge.

“We know that he used to work in a kitchen at an Aberdeen hotel, so someone must know where he is now.

“I would like to urge anyone with information about his whereabouts to please get in touch so that we can extend to him the invitation.”

Anyone who can help trace Mr Puszer is asked to get in touch with organisers via the Aboyne Highland Games Facebook page.

The post Hunt On For Highland Strongman appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Numer 1: The Bono Heckler:

Sadistic Bastard!

To be fair this is actually quite a funny joke. It very cleverly pokes fun at U2 Lead singer Bono’s ‘saintly’ image. The joke being that at a recent U2 gig in Glasgow the singer asks for total silence and then slowly begins to clap his hands, then he says: “every time i clap my hands a child in Africa dies”. From the audience a man with a broad Scottish accent cries “Well stop doing it then ya evil bastard.”

We normally see this one maybe pop up a few times a year, not a proper regular but worth a mention.

Number 2: Thats Nae a Sword Laddie!

Away and get a real sword!

This one almost always starts a fight so don’t expect to see it that often on any group we admin as it has to be taken down almost right away. The joke of course seems to be that the two gentlemen have agreed to meet for a duel and the Scotsman has turned up with a very impressive claymore! Unfortunately as soon as this goes up then a fight kicks off about Scottish V English. As if the Scots need the English as an excuse for a fight, they are perfectly capable of doing that themselves; as someone once said to me “Put two Scotsmen in an empty room and they will start a fight with each other, put one Scotsman in an empty room and he will stab himself in the arm and call it a draw.

Number 3: Passport Control.

The Border Check

This cartoon has been doing the rounds for a while now but with some of the recent daft assertions from the people campaigning for a no vote in the referendum that there will be border controls at Gretna and Berwick it has been given a bit of a new twist.

Of course it would be churlish to point out that the whole concept of clan & family tartans was pretty much made up by Sir Walter Scott and his cronies for George IV’s visit to Scotland in 1822 wouldn’t it?

The first of many ‘kilt related’ humorous posts, more on this subject to come later, we promise.

Number 4: Tossing the… err …. Telegraph Pole? 

Scots: Tossers of World Fame.

Considering how this image really pokes fun at the US military I’m surprised firstly by how many Americans actually post this and secondly by the fact that its never started a Scots-American feud.

We are definitely in the big league of Scottish photo humour here though, hardly a week goes by without this little gem popping up on Facebook, to be followed by streams of ‘LOLs’ from people who presumably have been held captive in a cellar for the last 10 years and so have missed the previous 12,000 times its been posted.

Number 5: Tartan Sheep.

Who are Ewe Looking at?

Somewhere out there there is a Scottish Farmer with way too much time on his hands and access to hallucinogenic drugs (makes you wonder what they put in the sheep dip these days). Debate rages as to whether this image really is sheep that have been painted with coloured marking dyes to recreate tartan or if the image has been altered.

Sadly though if these are really Scottish sheep then the fancy wool fleeces they are sporting won’t be appearing on a scarf, tie or kilt any time soon, most Scottish wool (apart from for harris tweed) goes to make carpets etc. The wool that your tartan garments are made from mostly comes from New Zealand.

Number 6: The Kilt Statement

I’m Sure They Do…

Well I did say we would be coming back to the subject of kilts again and here we are. There are as many variations of the ‘kilt statement’ as there are tartans, Other popular versions include ‘its called a kilt because thats what happened to the last person who called it a skirt’ and the almost endless procession of ‘whats under the kilt’ jokes.

Honestly I have never seen the point of this macho assertion. I cant think of anyone I’ve ever met who looked more effeminate in a kilt than the did in trousers, I mean its not as if all those gathered up pleats give men curvy hips and an hourglass figure is it?

Number 7: Calm Doon!

What a Carry On!

If you ever happen to be browsing the bookshops in Alnwick and get chatting to the owners of a shop called Barter Books you are speaking to the people responsible for this global phenomena. Not that they have become overnight millionaires though so I suspect that no matter how annoyed you might be by the prolific variations on the theme that has given rise to ‘keep calm and drink tea’ keep calm and use the force’ keep calm and …. your hobby here’, they are probably quietly seething with rage.

This classic British wartime poster (‘Keep Calm and Carry on’ if you don’t already know) was mostly pulped in 1945 but the owner of this small bookshop found a pristine version at an auction, bought it and hung it in the shop, the rest is history.

Of course there have been a million versions of this relating to Scotland in some way but I feel the most appropriate nods to the Scottish psyche of thinly disguised rage. Anyone who ever tried to get served in a Glasgow pub on a saturday night with only two staff on will have witnessed this first hand.

Number  8: If its No Scottish…

Craaaaaaap Indeed

This Slogan came from Mike Myers’ wonderful shop owner character that appeared in a regular sketch on Saturday Night Live, this was the Slogan of his ‘All Thing’s Scottish’ import store. Myers love of the Scottish accent is clear as it has been revisited many times; as a character in his Movie “So I Married an Axe Murderer, as the gargantuan Scottish assassin  ’Fat Bastard’ in the Austin Powers movies and of course the voice of Shrek.

Myers’s comedic observations of Scottish culture are at times disturbingly accurate. He is Canadian by birth with English born parents with Scottish ancestry.

Number 9: Shir Shawn the Shchotshman

Big Tam – the Fastest Milkman in Gorgie.

OK that was probably the worst attempt to type his accent ever but you get the idea. Sean Connery, the quintessential James Bond grew up in the Fountainbridge area of Edinburgh. In his early days before acting he was a life model at Edinburgh Art School and worked as a milkman. Pretty much every elderly resident of Gorgie claims that Sir Sean delivered their two bottles of Gold Top every day which means he had a milk round that Santa would have struggled to fill in for.

Many years ago we were contacted by Madam Tussauds who were planning a waxwork of the man himself in his New York Tartan kilt outfit. Tussauds are big on accuracy so every detail had to be exact down to the last button. We ended up having to have a jacket hand made for him as his jacket sleeves were an unheard of XXL length! the man quite literally has arms like a gorilla!

Number 10: The Scottish Bar Stool

All is Safely Gathered In

I have no idea where this one sprung up from and I would not be sad to see it go back there to be honest. Hardly a week goes by without someone discovering this for the first time. Somewhere out there this bar stool probably exists, a man, a chisel some sandpaper and a bit of boasting have conspired to somehow reduce Scottish Culture to 4 dents in a chair.

I guess the big flaw in the bar stool would be that you might be a little reluctant to use it after someone else had warmed it up first – I mean that cleft ridge look affy high to me!

Number 11: Penguin Piper

“Do you know its a long the way to the South Pole?” “You hum it laddie and i’ll play it”

There is a fascinating history behind this image which hardly ever gets a mention on its numerous shares. The image is of Gilbert Kerr he was a member of the Antarctic expedition on board the ‘Scotia’ in 1902-04. Kerr was the official piper on the expedition (how typical of the time that a ‘piper’ was somehow essential to the voyage).  The image appears to show an emperor penguin captivated by the sound of the pipes. The truth is somewhat less romantic as the poor thing was actually tethered to a large cooking pot which was filled with snow and buried underneath. The pipes in this image have an interesting story too. After the expedition they were given to the Edinburgh Battalion of the Royal Scots in 1914 and were played by Piper Anderson in the Battle of the Somme, sadly both piper Anderson and these famous pipes were lost in that terrible battle.

 Number 12: Phwoooarrrrrr!

One for the Ladies?

Moving from the bizarre to the quite frankly ridiculous… Whenever the discussion gets round to man in kilts the reality is all too soon replaced by the fantasy (for some). This is one of the more popular images in this never-ending theme. The fact that he appears to be wearing a printed tablecloth rather than a kilt makes no difference. Neither does it seem to bother the hormonal women who swoon over this that its a very clearly homo-erotic image. In other words i’m not entirely sure this really is ‘one for the ladies’.

I can never decide with this one whether he has just found something incredibly funny or a ferret has just run up his tablecloth and discovered a warm burrow.

Number 13: Sorry for the Shite.

What About the Lake District?

This post comes in many different guises, sometimes a road sign or in this case a stone marker. I recall an afternoon many moons ago in an Edinburgh pub watching Scotland V Wales in the Rugby. I found myself chatting to, or rather being chatted at by a very large welshmen resplendent in a rugby shirt made from a bell tent. “I love Scotland I do” he said, “The only thing wrong is you have to drive through bloody England to get here boyo”. I commiserated on his plight and I suggested he maybe thought about flying next time but I got the impression that he considered power flight as a relatively new and unproven concept.

Of course theres a lot of issues you can take with this statement; the Lake District for one, I mean surely all those daffodils would make a welsh hear flutter (not to mention the sheep)? Then of course there is the sudden change in the standard of the roads, as you leave Northumbria and Cumbria to discover pot holes you could shelter a decent size family in and still have a spare room.

Number 14: The Braveheart Kid

Fweeeeeedom!

Who knows where this image appeared from but its been doing the rounds regularly for the last year. Its a very odd image for a number of reasons; the Tartan is very strange one and not easily identified – a little bit like Erskine dress green or maybe Galloway but not quite. The sword looks like straight out of the Kurgan’s armoury in the Highlander movie or maybe an early Klingon hand weapon. I wouldn’t mess with this kid either way though as he seems to be able to hold this heavy sword with only a thumb and two fingers.

Grudgingly I have to concede it is a very cute image (well maybe the first thousand times it was)

Number 15: The Blue Clyde, err I Mean Tay, Err I mean…

Ahh the Bonny Purple Banks!

<pet hate alert> This is not so much just this image but more a general swipe at the ‘Fantasy Scotland’ images. Here’s the thing, Scotland actually IS an amazing country with some stunning landscapes, our ever changing weather makes it a photographer’s paradise as the light can change from moment to moment, the sun bursting out from behind leaden clouds to illuminate a dazzling patch of heather or the multi coloured patterns of Perthshire in autumn.

Sadly for some photographers thats WAY too much effort when you have photoshop and some colour filters to use.  A cut and paste sky, a cut and paste moon, a cut and paste highland cow. lets throw it all in like some sort of photographic paella dish.

And then of course there are the photos of Scotland that,, well,, aren’t! Believe it or not there are other landscapes out there, Canada, New Zealand, The Himalayas, The Little Chef at Chippenham. So just because a scene has a mountain, some water and some vegetation its not necessarily Scotland!

Number 16: The Scottish Proverb

Words of Wisdom…

A wise man once said… something interesting so we though we would turn in into a graphic. The rise of motivational graphics is probably index linked to the number of people starting careers as life coaches. What else will you use to decorate the walls of you new office with after all?

Personally I’m a big fan of the de-motovational message such as ‘if at first you don’t succeed redefine the nature of success’ and my dad and teacher’s favourite ‘you won’t amount to much’. or if you are pushed for time ‘just give up its all pointless’.

Thank god I never saw a career in HR.

Number 17: The Saucy Postcard.

Ooo Err Missus…. Nuts!

The seaside postcard brings back many warm memories. Those holiday trips ‘doon the watter’ to Rothsay or Dunoon. building sand castles in sand with a slight tint from the nearby sewage outlet, sticks of rock made from a substance that could pierce the armour or a guest house ladies pinnie at 300 yds. And of course watching your elderly relatives snigger like school girls at the postcards on the prom that make heavy work from the double meaning of the phrase ‘ginger nuts’.

The saucy seaside postcard is one of those odd ‘British’ traditions that somehow still works north of Gretna, thanks to the never-ending innuendos that a scrawny man in a kilt can inspire.

Number 18: Great Balls of Fire!

Devils in Skirts

In The fantastic comedy film ‘Carry on Up the Khyber’ the Actor Charles Hawtrey plays Private Widdle of the Highland Regiment the 3rd Foot and Mouth. Poor Widdle is chastised for wearing long johns under his regimental kilt uniform (kilt spotters and movie nerds might like to know that the kilt uniforms used were actually from the wardrobe of the 1960 film ‘Tunes of Glory’ )

Going back to the days when wearing the kilt and tartan were prohibited by the Proscription Act the only people who could still wear a kilt were soldiers from highland regiments in the British Army. It was said that an officer from one English regiment complained that the Scots billeted south of the border were having an unfair advantage over his men when it came to success with the local ladies!

The last time the kilt was worn as standard in battle was during the first world war. There is evidence to suggest that in the awful conditions of the trenches in places like the Somme and Passchendale wearing the kilt had advantages. There were far fewer instances of trench foot among kilted regiments and this was put down to the highlanders only wearing ‘hose tops’ as opposed to multi layering socks and so avoiding circulation problems. Also Mustard gas had a terrible caustic effect on delicate parts of the skin. This was less of an issue with a highlander who’s delicate parts had been pretty toughened up!

Number 19: The Scottish Toilet

Shunkie Dilemma!

Here is a true story: On the way home from  school one afternoon my mate Jeff convinced one of our slower classmates that the sign on the public toilet in town said ‘Laddies” rather than “Ladies” and that it was a toilet especially for younger boys. He fell for this hook line and sinker and proceeded in. After a few moments of silence the poor lad came tearing out pursued by a large red faced woman, her tights still midway round her knees whirling a handbag like a medieval mace. I honestly thought I would choke from laughing.

As this blog has progressed you have seen a pattern running through that can be classified as kilt humour and we promise this is the last on the list. Incredibly this seemingly innocent post caused a complete uproar and led one woman to storm out of the group considering this to be the most offensive thing she had even seen.

I wonder if she ever used the public lavvy in Armadale?

Number 20: Let the Wind Blow High….

Trampoline!

The practice of naming hurricanes started in the Carribean when the locals named them after the saint of the day. In the late 1970′s this practice was picked up by US meteorologists giving each one a person’s name. This practice has now been standardised to be alphabetical lists so for example the first Atlantic storm of this year if its not already happened will be Hurricane Arthur.

In December 2011 a bad storm hit the coast of Scotland. The worst in 10 years, wind speeds of 165mph were recorded. The effects of the storm were shared over social media sites such as Twitter and some sharp witted individual had the idea to name it “Hurricane Bawbag” The name stuck so much that it was used by foreign news channels completely unaware that  it was a Scots slang for both the scrotum and a person of low worth.

This image appeared not long after and suggests that it was a genuine message put up on the information boards on either the Forth or Erskine bridge by a disgruntled employee on his last day.

-0-

So thats our 20,,, errr ‘favourite’ social media shared images. I guess for those who have just parachuted in from darkest Borneo these might still be the funniest things you have ever seen, for those who have been on social media a year or so might find them less so and for the poor unfortunate souls who moderate Scots social media sites they are about as funny as being stuck in a lift with Jimmy Hill.

Rodger Moffet – ScotClans

copyright ScotClans 2014

The post The 20 Most Seen Scottish Facebook Posts appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

This isn’t the first time a Santa has appeared playing the pipes  – last Christmas in Portland, Oregon a kilted Santa playing the bagpipes and riding a unicycle was spotted on a number of occasions on the city’s streets. Unfortunately there have been no confirmed sightings of the bearded piper this year.

The post Hundreds of Piping Santas Advance on Edinburgh appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Dundee United

Here’s something to keep in mind if you’re ever visiting Nigeria – If someone calls you a ‘Dundee United’, it’s probably not a compliment.

The Scottish football club’s name has been appropriated as Nigerien slang for ‘idiot’, and is believed to have originated after Dundee played several friendly matches in Nigeria in the 70s.  The tour was a disaster – the Scots won just one of their five games – and the term ‘Dundee United’ has been used ever since to describe someone of low intelligence among Lagos’s Yoruba-speaking population.

The unlikely use of the word came to the attention of a Scottish audience thanks to a 2010 BBC documentary on the Nigerian capital Lagos. In the film, a local man called ‘Chubby’ tells the filmmakers that life in Lagos requires intelligence, and that any ‘Dundee Uniteds’ will soon learn the error of their ways.

Chubby remarks: “Anybody who came to Lagos and he didn’t learn sense, he cannot get sense ever. Because here if you are a fool, they will learn you how to get sense. If you are a ‘Dundee United’, when they start to pour **** on you, you will get sense.”

According to The Scotsman’s recent exposé into Scottish words and dialects, there is debate about where the term actually originated. As well as the popularly believed friendly-match 1970s tale, there is also a theory that troublemaking Dundee fans may have spread the word about their local rivals while Nigeria were based at Dens Park for the 1989 under-16 World Championships, sending their new friends home with some extra vocabulary.

The post A Right Dundee United appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.