Numer 1: The Bono Heckler:

Sadistic Bastard!

To be fair this is actually quite a funny joke. It very cleverly pokes fun at U2 Lead singer Bono’s ‘saintly’ image. The joke being that at a recent U2 gig in Glasgow the singer asks for total silence and then slowly begins to clap his hands, then he says: “every time i clap my hands a child in Africa dies”. From the audience a man with a broad Scottish accent cries “Well stop doing it then ya evil bastard.”

We normally see this one maybe pop up a few times a year, not a proper regular but worth a mention.

Number 2: Thats Nae a Sword Laddie!

Away and get a real sword!

This one almost always starts a fight so don’t expect to see it that often on any group we admin as it has to be taken down almost right away. The joke of course seems to be that the two gentlemen have agreed to meet for a duel and the Scotsman has turned up with a very impressive claymore! Unfortunately as soon as this goes up then a fight kicks off about Scottish V English. As if the Scots need the English as an excuse for a fight, they are perfectly capable of doing that themselves; as someone once said to me “Put two Scotsmen in an empty room and they will start a fight with each other, put one Scotsman in an empty room and he will stab himself in the arm and call it a draw.

Number 3: Passport Control.

The Border Check

This cartoon has been doing the rounds for a while now but with some of the recent daft assertions from the people campaigning for a no vote in the referendum that there will be border controls at Gretna and Berwick it has been given a bit of a new twist.

Of course it would be churlish to point out that the whole concept of clan & family tartans was pretty much made up by Sir Walter Scott and his cronies for George IV’s visit to Scotland in 1822 wouldn’t it?

The first of many ‘kilt related’ humorous posts, more on this subject to come later, we promise.

Number 4: Tossing the… err …. Telegraph Pole? 

Scots: Tossers of World Fame.

Considering how this image really pokes fun at the US military I’m surprised firstly by how many Americans actually post this and secondly by the fact that its never started a Scots-American feud.

We are definitely in the big league of Scottish photo humour here though, hardly a week goes by without this little gem popping up on Facebook, to be followed by streams of ‘LOLs’ from people who presumably have been held captive in a cellar for the last 10 years and so have missed the previous 12,000 times its been posted.

Number 5: Tartan Sheep.

Who are Ewe Looking at?

Somewhere out there there is a Scottish Farmer with way too much time on his hands and access to hallucinogenic drugs (makes you wonder what they put in the sheep dip these days). Debate rages as to whether this image really is sheep that have been painted with coloured marking dyes to recreate tartan or if the image has been altered.

Sadly though if these are really Scottish sheep then the fancy wool fleeces they are sporting won’t be appearing on a scarf, tie or kilt any time soon, most Scottish wool (apart from for harris tweed) goes to make carpets etc. The wool that your tartan garments are made from mostly comes from New Zealand.

Number 6: The Kilt Statement

I’m Sure They Do…

Well I did say we would be coming back to the subject of kilts again and here we are. There are as many variations of the ‘kilt statement’ as there are tartans, Other popular versions include ‘its called a kilt because thats what happened to the last person who called it a skirt’ and the almost endless procession of ‘whats under the kilt’ jokes.

Honestly I have never seen the point of this macho assertion. I cant think of anyone I’ve ever met who looked more effeminate in a kilt than the did in trousers, I mean its not as if all those gathered up pleats give men curvy hips and an hourglass figure is it?

Number 7: Calm Doon!

What a Carry On!

If you ever happen to be browsing the bookshops in Alnwick and get chatting to the owners of a shop called Barter Books you are speaking to the people responsible for this global phenomena. Not that they have become overnight millionaires though so I suspect that no matter how annoyed you might be by the prolific variations on the theme that has given rise to ‘keep calm and drink tea’ keep calm and use the force’ keep calm and …. your hobby here’, they are probably quietly seething with rage.

This classic British wartime poster (‘Keep Calm and Carry on’ if you don’t already know) was mostly pulped in 1945 but the owner of this small bookshop found a pristine version at an auction, bought it and hung it in the shop, the rest is history.

Of course there have been a million versions of this relating to Scotland in some way but I feel the most appropriate nods to the Scottish psyche of thinly disguised rage. Anyone who ever tried to get served in a Glasgow pub on a saturday night with only two staff on will have witnessed this first hand.

Number  8: If its No Scottish…

Craaaaaaap Indeed

This Slogan came from Mike Myers’ wonderful shop owner character that appeared in a regular sketch on Saturday Night Live, this was the Slogan of his ‘All Thing’s Scottish’ import store. Myers love of the Scottish accent is clear as it has been revisited many times; as a character in his Movie “So I Married an Axe Murderer, as the gargantuan Scottish assassin  ’Fat Bastard’ in the Austin Powers movies and of course the voice of Shrek.

Myers’s comedic observations of Scottish culture are at times disturbingly accurate. He is Canadian by birth with English born parents with Scottish ancestry.

Number 9: Shir Shawn the Shchotshman

Big Tam – the Fastest Milkman in Gorgie.

OK that was probably the worst attempt to type his accent ever but you get the idea. Sean Connery, the quintessential James Bond grew up in the Fountainbridge area of Edinburgh. In his early days before acting he was a life model at Edinburgh Art School and worked as a milkman. Pretty much every elderly resident of Gorgie claims that Sir Sean delivered their two bottles of Gold Top every day which means he had a milk round that Santa would have struggled to fill in for.

Many years ago we were contacted by Madam Tussauds who were planning a waxwork of the man himself in his New York Tartan kilt outfit. Tussauds are big on accuracy so every detail had to be exact down to the last button. We ended up having to have a jacket hand made for him as his jacket sleeves were an unheard of XXL length! the man quite literally has arms like a gorilla!

Number 10: The Scottish Bar Stool

All is Safely Gathered In

I have no idea where this one sprung up from and I would not be sad to see it go back there to be honest. Hardly a week goes by without someone discovering this for the first time. Somewhere out there this bar stool probably exists, a man, a chisel some sandpaper and a bit of boasting have conspired to somehow reduce Scottish Culture to 4 dents in a chair.

I guess the big flaw in the bar stool would be that you might be a little reluctant to use it after someone else had warmed it up first – I mean that cleft ridge look affy high to me!

Number 11: Penguin Piper

“Do you know its a long the way to the South Pole?” “You hum it laddie and i’ll play it”

There is a fascinating history behind this image which hardly ever gets a mention on its numerous shares. The image is of Gilbert Kerr he was a member of the Antarctic expedition on board the ‘Scotia’ in 1902-04. Kerr was the official piper on the expedition (how typical of the time that a ‘piper’ was somehow essential to the voyage).  The image appears to show an emperor penguin captivated by the sound of the pipes. The truth is somewhat less romantic as the poor thing was actually tethered to a large cooking pot which was filled with snow and buried underneath. The pipes in this image have an interesting story too. After the expedition they were given to the Edinburgh Battalion of the Royal Scots in 1914 and were played by Piper Anderson in the Battle of the Somme, sadly both piper Anderson and these famous pipes were lost in that terrible battle.

 Number 12: Phwoooarrrrrr!

One for the Ladies?

Moving from the bizarre to the quite frankly ridiculous… Whenever the discussion gets round to man in kilts the reality is all too soon replaced by the fantasy (for some). This is one of the more popular images in this never-ending theme. The fact that he appears to be wearing a printed tablecloth rather than a kilt makes no difference. Neither does it seem to bother the hormonal women who swoon over this that its a very clearly homo-erotic image. In other words i’m not entirely sure this really is ‘one for the ladies’.

I can never decide with this one whether he has just found something incredibly funny or a ferret has just run up his tablecloth and discovered a warm burrow.

Number 13: Sorry for the Shite.

What About the Lake District?

This post comes in many different guises, sometimes a road sign or in this case a stone marker. I recall an afternoon many moons ago in an Edinburgh pub watching Scotland V Wales in the Rugby. I found myself chatting to, or rather being chatted at by a very large welshmen resplendent in a rugby shirt made from a bell tent. “I love Scotland I do” he said, “The only thing wrong is you have to drive through bloody England to get here boyo”. I commiserated on his plight and I suggested he maybe thought about flying next time but I got the impression that he considered power flight as a relatively new and unproven concept.

Of course theres a lot of issues you can take with this statement; the Lake District for one, I mean surely all those daffodils would make a welsh hear flutter (not to mention the sheep)? Then of course there is the sudden change in the standard of the roads, as you leave Northumbria and Cumbria to discover pot holes you could shelter a decent size family in and still have a spare room.

Number 14: The Braveheart Kid

Fweeeeeedom!

Who knows where this image appeared from but its been doing the rounds regularly for the last year. Its a very odd image for a number of reasons; the Tartan is very strange one and not easily identified – a little bit like Erskine dress green or maybe Galloway but not quite. The sword looks like straight out of the Kurgan’s armoury in the Highlander movie or maybe an early Klingon hand weapon. I wouldn’t mess with this kid either way though as he seems to be able to hold this heavy sword with only a thumb and two fingers.

Grudgingly I have to concede it is a very cute image (well maybe the first thousand times it was)

Number 15: The Blue Clyde, err I Mean Tay, Err I mean…

Ahh the Bonny Purple Banks!

<pet hate alert> This is not so much just this image but more a general swipe at the ‘Fantasy Scotland’ images. Here’s the thing, Scotland actually IS an amazing country with some stunning landscapes, our ever changing weather makes it a photographer’s paradise as the light can change from moment to moment, the sun bursting out from behind leaden clouds to illuminate a dazzling patch of heather or the multi coloured patterns of Perthshire in autumn.

Sadly for some photographers thats WAY too much effort when you have photoshop and some colour filters to use.  A cut and paste sky, a cut and paste moon, a cut and paste highland cow. lets throw it all in like some sort of photographic paella dish.

And then of course there are the photos of Scotland that,, well,, aren’t! Believe it or not there are other landscapes out there, Canada, New Zealand, The Himalayas, The Little Chef at Chippenham. So just because a scene has a mountain, some water and some vegetation its not necessarily Scotland!

Number 16: The Scottish Proverb

Words of Wisdom…

A wise man once said… something interesting so we though we would turn in into a graphic. The rise of motivational graphics is probably index linked to the number of people starting careers as life coaches. What else will you use to decorate the walls of you new office with after all?

Personally I’m a big fan of the de-motovational message such as ‘if at first you don’t succeed redefine the nature of success’ and my dad and teacher’s favourite ‘you won’t amount to much’. or if you are pushed for time ‘just give up its all pointless’.

Thank god I never saw a career in HR.

Number 17: The Saucy Postcard.

Ooo Err Missus…. Nuts!

The seaside postcard brings back many warm memories. Those holiday trips ‘doon the watter’ to Rothsay or Dunoon. building sand castles in sand with a slight tint from the nearby sewage outlet, sticks of rock made from a substance that could pierce the armour or a guest house ladies pinnie at 300 yds. And of course watching your elderly relatives snigger like school girls at the postcards on the prom that make heavy work from the double meaning of the phrase ‘ginger nuts’.

The saucy seaside postcard is one of those odd ‘British’ traditions that somehow still works north of Gretna, thanks to the never-ending innuendos that a scrawny man in a kilt can inspire.

Number 18: Great Balls of Fire!

Devils in Skirts

In The fantastic comedy film ‘Carry on Up the Khyber’ the Actor Charles Hawtrey plays Private Widdle of the Highland Regiment the 3rd Foot and Mouth. Poor Widdle is chastised for wearing long johns under his regimental kilt uniform (kilt spotters and movie nerds might like to know that the kilt uniforms used were actually from the wardrobe of the 1960 film ‘Tunes of Glory’ )

Going back to the days when wearing the kilt and tartan were prohibited by the Proscription Act the only people who could still wear a kilt were soldiers from highland regiments in the British Army. It was said that an officer from one English regiment complained that the Scots billeted south of the border were having an unfair advantage over his men when it came to success with the local ladies!

The last time the kilt was worn as standard in battle was during the first world war. There is evidence to suggest that in the awful conditions of the trenches in places like the Somme and Passchendale wearing the kilt had advantages. There were far fewer instances of trench foot among kilted regiments and this was put down to the highlanders only wearing ‘hose tops’ as opposed to multi layering socks and so avoiding circulation problems. Also Mustard gas had a terrible caustic effect on delicate parts of the skin. This was less of an issue with a highlander who’s delicate parts had been pretty toughened up!

Number 19: The Scottish Toilet

Shunkie Dilemma!

Here is a true story: On the way home from  school one afternoon my mate Jeff convinced one of our slower classmates that the sign on the public toilet in town said ‘Laddies” rather than “Ladies” and that it was a toilet especially for younger boys. He fell for this hook line and sinker and proceeded in. After a few moments of silence the poor lad came tearing out pursued by a large red faced woman, her tights still midway round her knees whirling a handbag like a medieval mace. I honestly thought I would choke from laughing.

As this blog has progressed you have seen a pattern running through that can be classified as kilt humour and we promise this is the last on the list. Incredibly this seemingly innocent post caused a complete uproar and led one woman to storm out of the group considering this to be the most offensive thing she had even seen.

I wonder if she ever used the public lavvy in Armadale?

Number 20: Let the Wind Blow High….

Trampoline!

The practice of naming hurricanes started in the Carribean when the locals named them after the saint of the day. In the late 1970′s this practice was picked up by US meteorologists giving each one a person’s name. This practice has now been standardised to be alphabetical lists so for example the first Atlantic storm of this year if its not already happened will be Hurricane Arthur.

In December 2011 a bad storm hit the coast of Scotland. The worst in 10 years, wind speeds of 165mph were recorded. The effects of the storm were shared over social media sites such as Twitter and some sharp witted individual had the idea to name it “Hurricane Bawbag” The name stuck so much that it was used by foreign news channels completely unaware that  it was a Scots slang for both the scrotum and a person of low worth.

This image appeared not long after and suggests that it was a genuine message put up on the information boards on either the Forth or Erskine bridge by a disgruntled employee on his last day.

-0-

So thats our 20,,, errr ‘favourite’ social media shared images. I guess for those who have just parachuted in from darkest Borneo these might still be the funniest things you have ever seen, for those who have been on social media a year or so might find them less so and for the poor unfortunate souls who moderate Scots social media sites they are about as funny as being stuck in a lift with Jimmy Hill.

Rodger Moffet – ScotClans

copyright ScotClans 2014

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Greyfriar’s nose shines again

Last week we reported that Edinburgh’s famous Greyfriar’s Bobby statue had undergone restoration work after years worth of tourists rubbing his nose for good luck. Less than 48 hours following the painstaking work to turn his shiny nose back to black, an abrasive material was “intentionally used” on the nose, stripping the repaired area. Police have launched an investigation, and are asking for anyone who witnessed suspicious behaviour near the statue in the last week to come forward.

The story is causing quite a stir in Scotland’s capital, with Bobby campaigners fighting it out on social media, and Bobby even gracing the cover of the nation’s newspaper, The Scotsman:

Bobby graces front page of The Scotsman

Here’s the latest from the BBC:

Edinburgh City Council confirmed it called the police after experts said the repair paint used should have lasted several years.

Police Scotland said the statue was damaged sometime between 13:00 on Tuesday and 17:00 on Wednesday.

The estimated cost of the damage is believed to be between £200 and £300.

Officers are conducting inquiries and urged witnesses to come forward.

PC Nick Davies, of Police Scotland, said: “This crime is as unusual as it is disappointing to observe.

“The statue is a beloved tourist attraction and is also very popular with Edinburgh’s local residents.

“The nose has recently been touched up to restore it following years of wear and at first it was believed the repair had not adhered correctly to the monument.

“However, we are now treating this as an act of vandalism after discovering that an abrasive has been used to remove the material from the repaired area.

“As such, anyone who remembers seeing any suspicious activity around Greyfriars Bobby in the past few days is asked to contact police.”

Richard Lewis, Edinburgh City Council’s culture and sport convener, said: “The work carried out should have lasted for a number of years and it is highly unlikely that it would have worn away naturally in such a short space of time.

“We will, of course, organise the repair work to be undertaken again and hope that in future people respect the statue of Greyfriars Bobby.”

We’ll keep our nose to the ground for any further developments in the case.

The post Bobby Update – Police Launch Investigation appeared first on ScotClans | Scottish Clans.

Greyfriar’s Bobby, Pre-op

Edinburgh’s world famous pup Greyfriar’s Bobby got a facelift earlier this week, following a successful Facebook campaign by Bobby enthusiasts. On Tuesday sculpture conservation and bronzework specialists enlisted by Edinburgh Council worked to restore the black on the dog’s snout after years worth of passerbys rubbing his nose for good luck.

Bobby campaigners had resorted to making nocturnal restoration visits to the statue in the past, touching up the dog’s nose with boot polish. They also called for the statue’s original purpose as a drinking fountain for dogs to be reinstated.

Work undertaken on the statue included a thorough clean with a mild detergent, then heated with a blowtorch to restore colour, followed by a microcrystaline wax and finally two further coats of wax were applied once the dog had cooled.

Councillor Richard Lewis, Edinburgh’s Culture and Sport Convener, said: “Although Bobby has never been in any immediate danger, it was highlighted to us that the practice of rubbing his nose was starting to make him look a little scruffy. As one of the most famous – and most popular – statues in the Capital, it’s only right that he looks his best at all times.

“Once we became aware of the local concern it was clear that we had to act and I’m delighted we’ve been able to get specialists in to restore Greyfriars Bobby to his former glory.”

Greyfriar’s Bobby, Post-op

The Facebook campaign, entitled Stop People Rubbing Greyfriars Bobby’s Nose It is NOT a Tradition, called on the council to restore the commemorative statue and was started by local resident Becky Thomson.

She said: “This campaign started out as a bit of fun and I was amazed by how many people supported the page. We discussed ways we could address the problem as ordinary members of the public – by asking tour guides to discourage it or maybe using anti-climb paint.

“Given that this is a world-famous statue in a World Heritage site it now makes sense the council are involved. Now it is up to anybody who is passing just to keep an eye open and politely ask people to keep their paws off Bobby’s nose so it doesn’t happen again.”

Bobby was a Skye Terrier owned by John Gray (or ‘Auld Jock’ as he was known to locals). Bobby was so loyal to his master that when Auld Jock died of tuberculosis on 15th February in 1858 and was buried in an unmarked grave in Greyfriar’s Kirkyard, the dog kept a daily vigil and lay over his masters grave for 14 years until his own death on 14th January 1872. Bobby’s story is well-known across the world, with his statue in Edinburgh visited by thousands of tourists every day.

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Hot on the heels of all this social media schmoozing we have started to ‘get serious’ with Twitter (http://twitter.com). Log on and discover whats going on at ScotClans in minute detail. OK we won’t be giving away any trade secrets but if one of our team as much as pass wind they have been warned to get twittering about it.

Go to our twitter page to read about the topsy turvy world of ScotClans. You will wonder how you ever managed without it (no really!) – http://twitter.com/scotclans

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